Showing how many feet away you live on a gay app is a mistake: nearby yes, your address no

“200 feet away.” You read it and it seems harmless, even a little flirty. But repeated every night from the same bed, that number no longer says “I'm nearby”: it says “I live here.” We'll say it plainly: showing how many feet away you live on a gay app is a mistake. And hiding your distance, on its own, doesn't fully cover you either.

A number that adds up

One distance on its own doesn't say much. The problem is it's never just one: it's the same one, from the same spot, at the same time, for months. Add a photo with your window in the background, the park across the street or the front of your building, and nobody needs to be a psychic to know which building you sleep in. Nobody would give their address to a stranger on the street. Your exact distance is the closest thing to doing it without noticing.

Turning off distance isn't enough

Lots of people think switching off “show distance” settles it. Not quite. In 2023, security researchers at the firm Pen Test Partners looked at a dating app at the BBC's request and found it still let people work out where its users were. And they warned about something that applies to almost all of them: rounding or hiding distances isn't enough, because the order of the list gives clues too.

In plain words: if you show up third on your neighbor's screen, even without “200 feet away”, you're still right there, a block away.

Who are your exact feet actually useful to?

Let's do the honest math. Someone who wants to meet you only needs to know you're around the neighborhood: that's enough to set something up. Your exact distance is only useful to someone who wants to reach your door without being invited: the guy who didn't take “no” for an answer, the one who learns your schedule, the nosy neighbor who has no business knowing anything about your life. Being nearby is the point of the app. Your address isn't.

The best argument on the other side

Fair is fair: a profile with no distance looks suspicious. It looks fake, or like someone who's never going to meet anyone. And the whole point of these apps is what's close: meeting fast, without crossing the city. Hide everything and you get fewer messages. That's true.

But the answer isn't to hand over your block. It's showing a “nearby” that isn't your bed: a neighborhood where you really could meet someone. The guy messaging you still knows you're close; what he doesn't know is your front door. And once there's trust, you decide when to say where you live.

Our position, no anesthesia

Your exact distance isn't useful to anyone worth your time, and it can cost you. A password changes in a minute; an address doesn't. The bare minimum:

• Turn off distance in your app.
• Take away precise location on the iPhone: Settings → Privacy & Security → Location Services, pick the app and turn off “Precise Location”. That way it only gets your approximate area, according to Apple.
• Don't always open the app from the same corner, and don't post photos that show your street.

And if you want to go further: with GPS Libre your iPhone shows up in the neighborhood you choose, and the distance other people see is measured from there, not from your home. Here's how to do it, step by step, and here you can download it for free.

Uncomfortable questions

• Do you show your distance? When did you last check that setting?
• Of the guys who see you “200 feet away”, how many could tell which building you live in?
• Would you message someone who doesn't show their distance?