Keeping your neighbors from seeing you on the app: discretion isn't cowardice

You open the app and 250 feet away is your neighbor's son. At 600 feet, the guy from work. A bit further, a friend's cousin. If you're already out, that's funny. If you're not, it's a panic attack. And on top of that, some people call you a coward for being careful. We say the opposite: discretion isn't cowardice. Coming out is yours: when, how and to whom.

Nobody gets pushed out of the closet

In the gay scene there's a strange kind of pressure: if you don't say it, you're a coward, you're letting the cause down. But coming out isn't an exam with a deadline. Some guys still depend on their family, some work where people make jokes, some live in a neighborhood where being gay costs you. Nobody has the right to decide that for you.

What happens when the app puts you on your own block

• People recognize you. A photo, even without your face, plus the exact distance: you don't need to be a detective to work out you're the guy on the third floor.
• Word gets around. In a neighborhood, a building or an office, gossip gets there before you do.
• You stop looking. Out of fear, a lot of guys never even log in. And they stay alone.

Showing up somewhere else isn't hiding: it's choosing

If you show up in another neighborhood, you still meet people, just on your terms. The guys on your block don't see you, and you decide who you tell where you live. Example: you live in Queens with your family. You show up in Hell's Kitchen, chat in peace and, once there's trust, you tell the rest.

The best argument on the other side

They say discretion feeds shame: if everyone hides, nothing changes. They have a point; people being visible has changed a lot.

But visibility is chosen by those who can afford it. Demanding it from someone who still can't isn't bravery: it's pushing him.

Where we stand, no anesthesia

Discretion isn't cowardice. It's looking after yourself until your moment comes, and you decide when that is. In the meantime, you deserve to meet people without your whole block finding out.

With GPS Libre you show up in whatever neighborhood you want from your iPhone. Here's how it works, step by step, and here's where you can download it free.

Uncomfortable questions

• Do you owe anyone your coming out?
• Have you ever closed the app because you saw someone you know way too close?
• Does discretion protect you, or lock you in?